Why You Don't Need Closure From Your Ex
Closure. It's a moment that many women often play out in their minds following a break up or separation. That dramatic reunion after the dreaded "it's over" is hurled out into the air. You think, if only you knew why or had a reason or explanation then perhaps you could close that chapter of your life and happily move on.
You can seek out closure if you need to but if you feel like you need closure, it's not going to come from your ex.
Here are 3 reasons why it’s not going to come from your ex (and why you don’t need it to!)
This post may contain affiliate links! That means I recommend things that I love and use myself and I'll receive a percentage if you use the link to buy it! :)
You don't need anyone's permission to be happy.
If you're miserable and still nursing your heartache know that seeking out his response (for whatever reason) so that you can move on and be happy again is essentially giving him the power to dictate if you can be happy or not. You’re putting your happiness on the line based off of his next move. Do you really want to bet your happiness on his actions/words/feelings? You can still be happy even if he ignores you, tells you he never loved you, is cold-hearted and mean, and turns out to be an even bigger (insert curse word) than you ever imagined. You can still be happy if he gives you a solid “I’m sorry it didn’t work out too” or apologizes profusely for hurting you and showers you with compliments. The fact remains that regardless of what he chooses to do or say, you can bounce back from a broken heart and be happy, closure or not. Happiness is always an option for you.
Closure might not result in what you want.
Have you seen the infamous Ex's reunite YouTube video? The woman sits down with her ex and goes through question after question and in the end she's in tears and unable to continue because of his answers. He stoically and casually admits to cheating, he flippantly guessed that he slept with "I dunno, a lot" of women, and with very little emotion admits he really doesn't have any kind of reason or feelings about it. This moment of closure just flooded the poor girl with a wave of harsh realities and fresh wounds; know that closure for you could very well result in the same thing. He might not ever validate that you two were actually a couple, he might deny ever having loved you or even deny his child, he might even truthfully answer some questions you would have been better off never knowing. Closure could very well end up doing more damage than good.
Sometimes there's literally no "why".
If you're looking for closure because you're trying to understand why, there's a possibility that there is no answer. It might be because he refuses to admit the real reason or there just isn't one. Humans are complex, they change, act and feel certain ways and sometimes there's really no logical sense for it. You might be seeking out an explanation and he might not even be able to tell you.
You're using closure as a way to hold on.
This one requires being truthful with yourself, which can be hard. Closure might be your run around excuse for trying to work it out or hold on to him. If you're sending late night texts asking "can we please talk, I just want to know why..." you might not be seeking closure so much as an opportunity to reopen emotional/physical ties. If it's ended and he's made it clear he's moved on, trying to keep the door open under the guise of closure can be unhealthy.
Every "discussion" about the why you guys didn't work out runs around in circles.
If you hear yourself muttering the questions: "why can't we just talk about this!" with your ex or "why couldn't you_____" or "How come you can do X but not Y or Z!", it's time to take a step back and decide if the conversation is going anywhere or worth having, especially in text messaging. If you're seeking some kind of closure but the conversation is become a heated argument, you have to keep rephrasing your question or keep redirecting it back to what you originally asked, then you're just causing yourself grief and stress. If it's not a productive, healthy and honest dialogue, then end the conversation. If you know it will turn into an argument, there's probably no point in starting that conversation at all.
So what can you do instead?
- Give yourself closure. Journal it out, pour your heart out to a friend, seek out a therapist. You could do the classic letter that you’ll never send. Write out all your feelings, your emotions, your disappointments and hurt, then burn the letter. Have a cathartic moment and really let it all out, then let it all go.
- Give yourself space from him. Block him on social media, let your friends/family know that if it's not important information concerning your child you don't need updates about him being seen with whoever at wherever, find some new hang outs if you know you'll bump into him, keep any communication strictly about the kids. Sometimes, when we think we need closure, what we really need is breathing room.
- Work on your self-love, take time to really focus on yourself for a little bit. Work on your inner thoughts, how you view and love yourself, how you treat and talk to yourself. Get to know yourself better and start getting comfortable with your own company.
- Surround yourself with support. This is the perfect time to strengthen some friendships you might have let fall to the wayside during your relationship or build new ones.
- Fake it till you make it. You might very well be struggling with seeing him with his new girlfriend, but when you see him, smile brightly like it doesn't bother you a bit. We quite literally create our realities and practice makes perfect. Fall apart if you have to with friends/family/privately but when you see him, pick your chin up and stand with all the confidence and joy in the world. You'll be dropping your kids off one day, you'll put on that easy smile and unbothered attitude and realize you're no longer faking it.
- Focus on what makes you and your child/ren happy. Focus on moving forward and building a life you love. The best "revenge" is indeed to move on and be happy.
Ultimately closure comes from yourself. That's all you taking a moment to be decisive and say "this is it" and move forward. Even if you're one of the women who had a healthy, open dialogue with your ex and felt better afterwards, I doubt he popped into your head and said "Yup! You're free to go now!". You had to make the choice to move on, and that's a power you have regardless if you have a heart-to-heart moment with your ex or not. You might feel like you want closure from your ex, but know you're resilient and strong and you don't need it.